My Heart is Heavy

I was challanged by a dear friend to write something short, but meaningful. I’m not sure I can but I also know I cannot sit at the keyboard and write meaningless drivel right now. My heart is too heavy for that.

Two weeks ago, my beloved friend and boss took her own life. The community with whom she worked has been reeling and trying to get their bearings since then. Because we are a community of people who have mental health struggles and challenges, I think it is normal that we look at each other and even in the mirror and wonder, “is s/he making sense of it all?” in a way that means “are they hurting too bad inside to stand it alone?” We glance at each other from the corner of our eyes and wonder if we dare getting too close or if we will be wounded again. It robs us of our ability to grieve together and heal.

Then yesterday, in the writing class I am in, I get the message “Have you heard the news?” An instant intake of breath and a sharp pain, this time not a suicide, but a beloved instuctor and mentor is facing those words i cannot speak or type without rushing; cancerstagefourincurable. I spent the evening reaching out with that community, hearing what people were saying, had in the works, what she was planning. leaving her a message.

And today I can’t. I can’t connect. I can’t fake being cheery. I can’t fake even being neutral. It’s 5:30 pm and I’m still in my pajamas. I’ve napped through out the day, and I wake up feeling much better, then I remember and my heart falls. I’m not sure what I want, I’m not sure what I need, I’m not sure what would be best for me, I don’t know if I should reach out or not.

Cancer sucks. Death sucks. Suffering sucks. Pain sucks. Losing people you respect, admire, and love sucks.

My heart is heavy.

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